How to get yourself or someone you love through the Holiday Blues
By Sandra Girgis
December 24, 2020
Holidays are here, but unfortunately so is seasonal depression or the better known “Holiday Blues.” If you often find yourself experiencing these holiday blues, you’re most definitely not alone. National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), found that 64% of people with an existing mental illness reported that the holidays made their condition worse.
But why? Why are the holidays such magnets for heightened stress, anxiety, depression and loneliness? Why do such “cheerful times” bring out the worst in us and more importantly how do we deal with it? How do we help others around us through it?
Though I’m no therapist, as a Neuroscience graduate, a victim of the holiday blues and a friend to many who have suffered the crippling effects of mental illness, I’m here to share what has worked for me and for others arounds me. Please bear in mind that each person is different and the advice I offer is by no means universal.
What drives the Blues?
First, it’s important to note the effects natural light plays in emotional and mental health. In the Northern Hemisphere, holidays are accompanied by colder weather, shorter hours, and most importantly, less daylight.
I know, you may be saying to yourself right now that you don’t even like the sun, so why are you impacted?
Well, sunshine provides you with vitamin D, which is KNOWN to impact mood. Studies have found that people who suffer from depression and anxiety actually have lower vitamin D than those who don’t. So if you’re like me, from a middle eastern background, a culture known for genetic vitamin D deficiency, you’re pretty much set up just right for the holiday blues.
Second, the holidays come with a lot of reminiscence and memories, which unfortunately, for some, also means pain. While you might be surrounded by family and friends, many aren’t. From remembering lost loved ones, ended relationships/ friendships, or simply, especially now, not being able to be around loved ones. Opening social media and seeing people spread their holiday cheer might be a trigger for others who aren’t surrounded by the same joyful spirit.
Third, if you’re a workaholic, often consumed and buried in work, having time off might very well be enough for you to experience the blues. Often, when we’re not accustomed to spending time alone, with ourselves and our thoughts, the second we’re forced to, we’re met with a wave of depression. Forced out of your normal routine, and away from the “constantly on the move” lifestyle, the holidays are a detrimental time for those who use the busy life to escape from their own mind.
If any of these apply to you, this doesn’t mean you’re doomed!
I have the blues and I don’t know what to do!
If you suffer from depression year round, the holidays are either an extreme high or extreme low, very rarely anything in between. Here are some things that can help!
I’m sure you’ve heard this one 1000 times, but I’m going to say it one more time, talk to a therapist! If you regularly see a therapist, it’s worth mentioning how the holidays make you feel! They should know you best and will be able to provide you with specific exercises and advice that’s unique to you!
Now for some Therapist- unrelated advice
Take a break from social media. Not only can the posts be triggering (even subconsciously!!) but also screen time in general (i.e. TV, Netflix, social media, etc.) is detrimental to your mental health year round. Rather, pick up a book, a paint brush, or a plant and a pot. Dedicate your time to something that provides your with a tangible outcome. This will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something, provide evidence of your accomplishment, and will improve your mood, calm your mind and improve your overall mental state.
Invest in a light therapy lamp! If you’re anything like me, I hate working after the sunset. And during the holidays, I catch up on all the sleep I’ve missed out on the whole year! So I truly only get about 4 hours of sunlight where I’m able to get things done. Having a light therapy lamp at my desk has helped me tremendously especially in getting work done past 5:30pm! (This is also useful year-round so definitely a worthy investment!)
Plan one thing everyday that you’ll look forward to! From tea time with a friend to a Christmas movie with the family, by having one thing planned that you’re going to enjoy, you have given yourself a reason to get out of bed in the morning, a motive to complete everything on your to-do list by a specific time, and an allocated time for YOU! Hellooo serotonin!
Personally, I’ll plan something in the afternoon/ night time because I know that activity or that quality time will seal my day and I won’t want to do anything after. But, you know you best so plan it when you think it’ll be most beneficial to you!
Someone I care about has the blues and I want to help but I don’t know how.
Before I share how you can help, I need to let you in on a little secret. Often, even though you have the great intentions to help, you can end up harming more.
WORDS AND TONE ARE KEY.
Okay, let’s jump into it!
1.Acknowledging that someone is struggling and letting them know that It’s okay and that they’re not alone is where you need to start. However, the way you relay that information can make or break them, and it’s not about you!
There are some phrases I’ve been personally told that do nothing but trigger us. Including by not limited to:
“Just get over it.” “It’ll pass.” “It’s a phase.” “I don’t get why you’re depressed you have……”
“You’re not depressed, you’re just sad.” “You’re overreacting.” “Just smile more.”
All these phrases imply that we have complete control over our depression and it’s a conscious choice that we make to feel bad. Trust me, if we had the choice we wouldn’t be mentally unstable :)
2. Use open phrases that create a comfortable and safe space for the person to share how they feel and be consistent! It’s hard for people to open up, but if you consistently provide a safe space where you guide with a calm, patient demeanor, the person will open up! Trust me!
Instead of “ how are you?” try “How are you feeling?” It's a more guided question that promotes talking about feelings.
3. Sympathize and give them control.
“I understand these times might be hard, what can I do to help?”
This tells them you’re there for them but also allows them to tell you what they need and what works for them!
4. Don’t undermine their emotions but rather offer validation!
5. Don’t turn the conversation to you- While we think anecdotes help, they really don’t. If a person is opening up, you want to keep the conversation as focused on them as possible. This shows that you’re invested in them and what they have to share.
Avoid “I” statements and utilize “you” questions.
“What has been the hardest thing for you?”
“What do you need?”
“How can I support you?”
6. Lastly and most importantly, remind them that they’re not alone in feeling that way. This is the trickiest part and here’s why. If done wrong, you’ll relay a message of commonality and unimportance.
“You’re not alone, a lot of people feel that way too.”
Rather, try to focus on just the first part of that phrase and try something more like;
“I understand these times are hard for many people for different reasons, I want you to know that I’m here (here being keyword, avoid using “there” if possible) to listen and to provide the support you need from me.”
Of course make it your know, but notice how that statement does 3 main things:
Point out that they’re not alone
Uses words that show that you’re present, you’re here not there.
Uses present action phrases rather than futuristic phrases.
While the holidays can spread cheer, for some they spread fear, and depression. If you’re impacted by the holiday blues, you’re most definitely not alone! More importantly, know you’re not doomed nor a slave to these feelings. It’s tough to be alone, it’s tough to feel stuck inside your head, but I want you to know that even though it may not feel like it, you ARE tougher.
Take your time, feel what you feel, but most importantly, focus on what helps you heal.
Happy Holidays <3