Conversations you need to have before you commit to ANY relationship
Relationships. The one thing we seem to hate yet can’t survive without.
The overly possessive, the liar, the cheater, the right person wrong time, wrong person right time… take your pick, but I’m sure I'm not alone in this dreaded yet seemingly honorary indictment into the dating world.
This definitely doesn’t apply to everyone. And if the universe is on your side and you're in love with your high-school sweetheart like my Biology teacher from high school is, good for you. You’re one of the chosen ones.
However, for the rest of us, the not so favored by love or whatever, let’s talk.
If you’re still here reading this, I’m going to make the educated guess that
1. You’re struggling with dating in general, period.
2. You’re in a relationship, new or old, but you’re kinda shaky.
3. You’re not the best communicator and therefore, you don’t know what you need to know before you commit.
Or
4. You’re simply interested in what my crazy self has to say, in which case, thanks for sticking around!
Relationships are tough. I’ll be the first to admit that dating SUCKS! It’s exhausting, stressful and honestly, sometimes not even worth it. You share so much of yourself with someone, you give them time and energy, you invest yourself in them all for what? The hope that they won’t screw you over like the ones before?
Yet that hope is short lived since you seem to only be attracted to toxicity yet fantasy a healthy relationship.
Well it’s time to break the cycle.
First, you need to know that you’re a magnet.
The energy you feed only attracts its compatible pair. If you think that there are no potential partners out there for you, or that all relationships lead to heartbreak, then how in the hell do you expect to find someone?
If you think you’re not good enough or not pretty enough or worthy of love, then you’re going to only draw people to you who will feed into that idea thus leading to, more often than not, a not so healthy relationship.
On the contrary, if you view yourself as worthy, powerful, complete without a partner, yet open to meeting people and cultivating a connection. You’ll find yourself in circles where you’re surrounded by just that!
Don’t believe me? Think about your current mindset. Insecurities, self image, trajectory, the whole 9 yards. Be honest with yourself, no one is asking you to share this with the world. Now think of the closest 5 people to you. Evaluate them, what are their insecurities, self image, trajectory etc.
Notice the similarities?
If the answer is no then it’s one of two things, either
1. You’re lying to yourself, or
2. You’re surrounding yourself with people whom you strive to be like. In which case you’ve beat me to my next point.
Surround yourself with people who are where you want to be.
If you’re an “in my bubble” kind of person who wants to break out of that, make friends with the outgoing weirdo that has no problem striking up a conversation with anyone and everyone.
If you’re struggling with dating and you’re just over the whole thing, make friends with that one person that goes on a different date every other day. Learn how they do it. Learn what they struggle with and how they overcome. How do they score so many dates? You don’t need to become a carbon copy, of course, but there’s a sense of expertise that comes with experience. So find people with the experience you lack.
Don’t waste your time.
Your time is precious and dating can burn you out. However, this is easily avoidable and here’s how.
Know who you are. If you don’t know yourself, how do you expect someone else to get to know you? Things as simple as what are your goals, ambitions? What are your pet peeves? What are you wanting from life? What’s your love language? What are you expecting a relationship to look like? What do you want from a partner? What do you NEED from a partner? This isn’t an exhaustive list of questions but it’s enough to get you started!
Know what you’re looking for. So many people embark on this journey with no idea what they want from dating. And honestly, there’s nothing wrong with that… if you’re in middle school. Before you even think about setting foot into the dating pool, know what you want so you’re not swimming around aimlessly. Are you looking for something serious or something fun? Are you in a place in your life where you’re ready to commit? Will you ever be? Are you looking for a partner of a security blanket? Again, these are just a few of the questions you need to be asking yourself.
Know your standards. Setting your standards and KNOWING THEM saves you soooo much time! Also this helps you identify if you’re setting yourself up for failure by having unattainable standards. Like wanting a self-made partner that owns a mansion, a private jet, a yacht, humble and under 30. Though not impossible to find, that combination might be a little out of anyone’s reach! But ask yourself; age range? Occupation? Specific personal traits that you simply cannot compromise on. Religious views, political views, world views, etc. What matters to you enough that you know you need in a partner? Believe it or not that would cut your options by like 70-90% so you save your time and energy.
Now that we’ve gotten through the preface of your relationship journey,
How do you know if this is going to work or not?
I think this boils down to 3 questions and one basic idea.
The idea being there’s no such thing as a “soul mate” because if one person makes the wrong decision then we’re all F*ed, therefore if you and your partner really want to make this work, you will.
Now the three questions:
What’s your love language? What holds a relationship together are actions that show love, care and concern for each other. Knowing what your own love language is allows you to communicate what you need from your partner. Often, you and your partner won't have the same love language. We naturally show and receive love in our own love language. Therefore, communicating what you need and listening to what your partner needs is crucial! It’s like speaking different languages. If you were visiting another country, you’re expected to learn to communicate in their language. So if you’re loving someone with a different love language, the same rule applies.
What are your expectations? This is HUGE! But this is also a two part question. The first addresses individual expectations in relationship/ from a partner (Which you should already know yours and if you don’t, refer to the “Don’t waste your time” section). And the second part, is much more specific, and I recommend not dropping this bombshell till you’re genuinely interested in this person (so like 4th date or after): What are your expectations of ME as a partner?
What are your non negotiables? Know what you’re going into before it’s too late and forces a heart break! Some people want kids, some don’t. Some people hold onto religion dearly others don’t care. Some prefer stability and a specific living condition, others prefer spontaneity. It doesn’t matter what your preference is! There’s no right or wrong. However, there are things that will break people apart. We each have a vision for the life we want to live, some of us hold onto that vision a little tighter than others. Figure out what your vision is and what you’re willing to compromise on and what you’re not. Same for your partner. These are major life pieces that often people put off with the “we’ll jump that hurdle when we get there” kind of mentality. But every second you spend with that person, you get more attached. It’s like climbing a 100 story building with a glass vase knowing full well you’re going to have to drop it, yet you close one eye and hope it doesn't shatter.
I feel like this is a little obvious, but I’m going to state it anyway, these questions are a two way street! Just as you ask them, prepare to answer them as well.
We tend to complicate things we don’t want to face. Although I’m no relationship expert, I’m confident that this advice will drastically change your relationship life. Only if you’re serious about it.
Love is out there. You don’t need to settle. You’ll find what you’re searching for once you align your thoughts and intentions with your desires. It’s never too late to start.