Spot the toxicity: How to Identify and dismantle toxic relationships
The word “toxic” has become mainstream. And I’m not talking Britney Spears toxic *ba dum tss* I’m talking about toxic work culture, toxic households, and the infamous toxic romantic partnership.
But what IS a toxic relationship?
The Oxford English Dictionary defines Toxic as:
Poisonous.
very harmful or unpleasant in a pervasive or insidious way.
While both definitions are quite accurate and applicable to relationships, I’m going to focus more on the “pervasive” or “insidious” part of toxicity. When something is outright bad for you, it’s easy to say “not today, Satan” and run the other way. However, it’s when toxicity sneaks up on us, often disguised as love, care, or opportunity, that we don’t notice the grip around our necks until it’s so tight that we can’t breathe.
So first thing’s first-
7 Signs of a Toxic Environment
This applies to family, work, friendships and partnerships!
Lack of support: And I don’t just mean in the crazy decision (like going on a blind date with a creep from the internet and not telling anyone just because you think it’ll make a good story.. If you survive), but in EVERYTHING that doesn’t benefit or involve them.
Dishonesty/ manipulation: Dishonesty is pretty self explanatory. Even those “white lies” like telling you they’re with family when they’re with friends because they were scared you’d get mad… yeah that’s some red flag BS. When it comes to manipulation, that occurs in many ways, but some of the most common are:
Making you feel bad for not spending all the time in the world with them
Passive aggressive remarks
Bullying
Gaslighting (see point 6)
Constant comparison to others who do what you’re NOT doing
Manipulation of circumstances
Isolation: This is often present in romantic relationships when one partner expects that the other can and will only spend time with them. If you find yourself often dropping your friends, family, or priorities for someone- it’s most likely toxic.
Control: This often is the cause for isolation in partnerships, but it’s also frequently present (not as blatantly) in familial relationships. Control presents itself in limiting necessities such as food, withholding money, monitoring social media accounts and phone/ text conversations, and even limiting choice of clothing. These actions are common and are often done with a protective motive, however they can quickly escalate into toxic habits that leaves one party with all the power and the other completely powerless. So if you’re feeling powerless in a relationship, it’s most likely toxic!
Guilt-tripping: This goes with Dishonesty and manipulation. If you are constantly made to feel guilty for taking that day off, calling in sick to work, choosing to hang out with your friends because you miss them or simply because you want to- that’s guilt tripping. Simply put, you should not be made to feel guilty for having a life that extends beyond one person or one job.
Gaslighting: This one has to be my personal favorite *insert sarcastic face here.* If you are addressing a situation that upset you or hurt your feelings and the person in front of you either:
Invalidates your emotions/ Calls you too emotional or completely dismisses your feelings
Switches the topic to how this one time you did this one thing and they let it go
Gets angry at YOU for being upset with them
That, my friend, is….toxic.
7. The world revolves around ME: I feel like we’ve all met at least one person who thought the entirety of the human race was placed on this earth to serve them. In relationships this often displays itself as minimizing or disregarding the other person’s interests simply because they don’t align with yours. This is accompanied by jealousy and a conscious effort to bring down the other person. Kinda like that boss that ALWAYS had something negative to say about your work. Or that family member that always thinks you’re not skinny enough. Yeah, I know someone popped into your mind!
There are many other toxic behaviors, however, from my personal experience, these 7 tend to be the ones that creep up on people most. Also, it’s important to note, most of these signs manifest a little later in the relationship, once walls start coming down and comfort level increases. Think about it like a job interview- you’re going to get dressed up and do your best to impress. Then, when you get the job, your desire to impress decreases and you begin to get more comfortable. Now, instead of wearing a tie everyday to work, you only wear one to important meetings. The same thing happens with toxic behavior.
It often starts off great! You adore this new person who’s giving you so much time and attention. Then, as time goes on and you start letting your guard down, toxic behavior starts to creep into the relationship. You’ll find yourself excusing these behaviors because right when you’re about to crack, everything returns to its original “dandelions and butterflies” state. You think they’ll change or it’ll be “how it used to be,” but then, we’re back to the toxicity. It’s a never ending cycle. Every time it’s repeated, toxicity increases, but also so does attachment, making it harder to point out the toxic behaviors and, most importantly, LEAVE.
5 steps to put an end to the toxicity
So now that I have you questioning every relationship you’ve ever had, let’s talk ways to leave or deal with toxic individuals.
First, please know that everyone is different. Just because I’m providing this advice doesn’t mean it’s easy nor does it mean it’s fully applicable to everyone. That being said, take what you want and what you think would work for YOU!
Cut it off: If you’re tired of the BS, just CUT. IT. OFF. Job, family, friends, I really don’t care. I’m quick to pull the plug on anything that sacrifices or offsets my mental and/ or emotional state. I’ve struggled so much to pull myself out of the dark places I’ve been in. I’ve been toxic, I’ve been emotionally abusive, and I’ve been the “bad” guy. I know I’m capable of being THAT person, and I know that I NEVER want that. So, I just *snip snip.* This protects me but also protects those around me who provide me with a healthy environment.
Side note- I’ve walked out on 2 jobs with no back up plan due to the toxicity of those I worked with.
2. Learn to set FIRM boundaries with others: I’ve had to use this often when it came to family members. I don’t want to cut these people off, but I also don’t want to expose myself to the toxicity that they may bring to the table. In these situations, I make it very clear that certain topics, or comments, are not up for discussion. That annoying aunt that just seems to always have something to say about your relationship status, education or weight?
You could say something like this:
“ Hey, I appreciate your concern regarding…… but this is not something that’s up for discussion and I would really appreciate it if we no longer spoke regarding that topic.”
Or, you could make friends with someone that doesn’t care what others think and have them call that person out, embarrassing them so much so that topic never gets brought up again! Just kidding… kinda.
3. Set emotional boundaries for yourself: This one is a little more complicated and takes quite a bit of practice. The goal here is to create a safe space within yourself, for yourself. In creating this safe space, you set your boundaries in a manner that prevents the majority of others’ opinions from affecting you. This works great if you have a specific person in mind and you want to consciously work on removing all value from that person’s opinions. So whatever they say, you really don’t care.
4. Know that you’re capable of toxicity: Knowing that you’re not immune from being toxic will keep you in a more alert state. You never want to be the one that causes harm to others, yet you become the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. If you’re constantly around toxic individuals, sooner or later, you’ll develop toxic traits yourself.
5. Love yourself and know you are worthy. Knowing that you are worthy of every good thing, makes it harder to accept the crap that gets thrown at you. I don’t care what your past is. The fact that you’re reading this right now tells me that you’re a good person. You deserve to be treated with nothing but love and respect. So quit that job. Move out. Break up. You deserve the good in the world and you WILL find that good. It all starts with the realization that YOU ARE WORTHY.
Stepping away from a toxic environment can be one of the hardest things to do. Human nature is inclined to cling to familiarity and comfort, even if it’s bad for us. It’s on you to break the cycle. You are here. You are ready. You are capable.
Stay empowered,
S