The Three Pillars of Toxic Positivity
Listen, none of us like feeling down, sad, angry or anything but happy, really. It makes sense. Our brains are literally wired to release these tiny little things called hormones in response to situations which then control how we feel. A positive event will increase the release of our happy little brain pills called dopamine and serotonin. (These are also the same little guys that make drugs and toxic habits so addicting). We’re ADDICTED to wanting to be happy!!
But just like anything, too much positivity will destroy you! No, like seriously… it will really mess you up!
This then results in *drum roll please*...... TOXIC POSITIVITY.
Toxic positivity is defined by the overgeneralization of the happy/ optimistic state. The reason it’s “toxic” is because it overlooks and neglects all other emotions, leading to denying, invalidating, and minimizing the authenticity of emotional experiences.
To simplify it, it’s like having a 7 course meal prepared by a really good chef and you deciding, “no no, the best thing about this is the mac and cheese because that’s my favorite food.”
So you end up eating only the mac and cheese, tossing away the rest of the meal, and missing out on the best meal of your life.
What does “Toxic Positivity” look like?
While, just like everything in life, toxic positivity is not a “one size fits all,” here are some common situations that foster this unhealthy lifestyle.
“It’s fine”-isms. STOP. YOU KNOW IT’S NOT FINE! Stop pretending like it is. If something bothers you, you don’t always have to externally address the situation, but you NEED to acknowledge within yourself. Acknowledge that you feel some sort of way that’s most definitely NOT fine.
Feeling guilty for how you feel
Only looking at the positive side of things
Telling yourself you just need to get over it or it’s not a big deal
Using “happy” quotes to mask how you actually feel
Isolating yourself from others because you’re not feeling “positive”
Engulfing yourself in a distracting activity to avoid feeling down
These are just a few ways toxic positivity presents itself. (And I’m almost positive you do at least one of the things listed above, I know I do!)
The three pillars of Toxic positivity
Personally, all these actions of toxic positivity boil down to 1 of 3 emotions or “pillars.”
1. Shame
The thing is, manifestations of false positivity are often fueled by SHAME.
We’ve developed these means of coping and ignoring our negative emotions in efforts to avoid being a burden or a “drag” to those around us. We feel ashamed, to be sad or hurt or angry about a situation when “we have it so much better than others.”
Shame disguises itself as silence, hiding, judgment, secrecy. It often flies under the radar so much so that we rarely notice that we’re feeling shame. Because it’s often an emotion rather than a feeling, we often neglect to think of shame as a contributing factor to our emotional state. While feelings are conscious experiences of our state, emotions manifest both consciously and unconsciously. This often leads to a feeling of discomfort where you're not really sure what’s wrong but you know something is!
Not sure if shame is playing a factor?
Complete the sentence: “I don’t want people to know_________ about me.” “ If I share______ I’m worried about what ______ will think of me.”
If you were able to complete those sentences with ANYTHING, there’s shame associated with that subject.
2. Anger
There’s beauty in anger.
Sounds odd right? For so long I felt like anger was always just BAD. Often accompanied by hurtful words, actions and more often than not, violence. Anger has definitely gained a bad rep over the years.
But I’m here to tell you to rekindle that relationship. Unexplored anger leads to all of the above. However, acknowledging your anger is a sweet and gentle reminder that you have passions. You care about situations, thoughts, ideas, and people, so much so that you get angry when things aren’t going your way.
Next time you feel angry or heated, pause and ask yourself “What’s fueling this fire?” You’ll come to realize that simply acknowledging the fire tames it, and identifying the source will put it out.
Denying the presence of the fire will only burn the house down. Which brings us to our third and final pillar...
3. Denial
Denial one of those things that you don’t realize you’re doing until someone calls you out on it. Hi, it’s me. I’m someone and I’m here to call you out!
Denial is a root of toxic positivity. Think about it this way, a situation is never bad until you acknowledge it. Your feelings are never validated till they are acknowledged. Just like a sickness cannot be treated until it’s diagnosed, the same rules apply to your own life.
Stop denying your feelings that aren’t the most “positive.” You’re designed to que certain feelings and emotions to protect you. By ignoring them, you’re walking into a hungry lion’s den with your eyes closed hoping that the lions stay asleep forever. It’s simply not realistic.
Have you ever found yourself downplaying a situation?
Have you avoided or ignored a situation?
Do you downplay the possible consequences of the issue?
Do you find reasons to de-validate how you’re feeling simply because you don’t like it?
If you answered yes to ANY of those questions, my dear friend, you’ve been in denial.
How to avoid toxic positivity?
Learn to spot it!
Daily practices of paying attention to your emotions
Stop saying it’s fine! (especially when it's NOT!)
Cut off people that dismiss how you’re feeling
Acknowledge and accept that life is a roller coaster, you can only experience the excitement of the highs if you go through the lows and the in betweens.
Allow yourself to feel angry and sad and frustrated and all of the so called “negative” emotions. Then, most importantly, explore WHY you’re feeling that way.
Lastly, abandon the mentality of “If I can do it, you can do it.”
Toxic positivity, unfortunately, has found its way into almost everyone’s daily lives. From jobs, to friend groups, and even our self talk, we often hold onto “happiness” so tight that we sabotage ourselves to the point where true happiness isn’t even possible anymore. By becoming more aware of what toxic positivity looks like, internally and externally, you’ll find yourself able to navigate through life experiencing its full potential. Highs, lows, and everything in between, that’s part of being a human being.
Stay empowered,
S